JESSICA ZAFRA: The Extortionist's Xmas Alphabet

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The online news portal of TV5

For social climbers, schemers, horrible politicians and contrabidas in general.

A is for Accessories: the weirder the better.
Unless they’re Harry Winston, in which case, please, bigger.

B is for Bags, be they satchel, It or Birkin.

We need something expensive to carry our sh*t in.

C is for Chauffeur. It sounds richer than “driver”.
Who shares certain qualities as Michael Fassbender.


D is for Dynasty: We shall rule this grateful nation.
That Anti bill they’re planning will not pass as legislation.

 
E is for Elections we would sell our souls to win.
When we hold public office we can do more “fund-raising”.

 
F is for Ferrari, there’s no need to be coy:
We do not wish to breathe the same air as the hoi polloi.

 
G is for Guards bearing high-powered weapons
So waiters will seat us even without reservations.

 
H is for Horses so we can play polo.
Also for Hacienda. Invitamos Nacho!

 
I is for the iPhone 5, the best way to ensure
That your badly-spelled messages we’ll continue to endure.

 
J is for Jejemon, Jologs and whatever.

After we’re elected, will they hear from us? Never.


K is for Kardashian, the standard in fame-whoring.
Dumb gets you on TV. Intelligence is boring.

 
L is for Love, which we fake in our profession.
Louis V and Louboutin provide our motivation.

 
M is for Madam, we’re addressed high and low
Do they ever suspect that the name is apropos?

 
N is for Nose job, that we may be mistaken
For socialites with ancestors sufficiently Iberian.

 
O is for Offshore accounts where we can stash our loot
Declare our assets properly?! We do not give a hoot.


P for Population which increases, unabated,

While the bishops squee for Twilight and the sparkle-y undead.

 
Q is Queen Elizabeth, Wills and Harry’s grand-mama,
Balang araw, Kamahalan, tatawagin kitang “Lola”.

 
R is for Roses flown in every morning
(‘Why not get them in Dangwa?’ You’ve got to be kidding.)

 
S is for Senator, which anyone can be.

Get your speeches on the Internet! It’s easy and it’s free.


T is for Tea from the hinterlands of the Caucasus.
We can’t tell the difference but—from the price—it’s fabulous!


U is for Ubiquitous, which is what we shall be
In magazines devoted to high society.

 
V is for Visas, all multiple entry
In case we have to flee a lynch mob expeditiously.


W is for Will, upon which you write our name.
Your wife and kids get nothing. Ain’t that a crying shame.


X is for eXtradition, a fate we must evade
If you should land in prison, our eternal love would fade.


Y is for Yacht to sail the Caribbean

So no one will notice that your prince is an amphibian.


Z is for Zirconium, infomercial variety,
Until we get an upgrade from Pac-qui-ao, Manny.

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