WATCH | DOJ orders raps filed vs 'Tokhang for ransom' cops; Korean man killed in Crame 19-Jan-17, 5:42 PM | JV Arcena, News5 |

WATCH | NBI expands probe of Korean bizman's kidnap-murder 19-Jan-17, 12:02 AM | JV Arcena, News |

LOOK | Rescue, evacuation radiate throughout heavily flooded Caraga 19-Jan-17, 9:40 PM | Erwin M. Mascariñas, InterAksyon

WATCH | MMDA to launch EDSA southbound zipper lane; looks to private groups for help in traffic 19-Jan-17, 3:54 PM | Clara Masinag, | Renz Ongkiko, News5

CIA posts 12M pages of declassified records online 19-Jan-17, 6:17 AM |

More than 200 Chinese nabbed in Clark dragnet deported - BI 19-Jan-17, 10:32 AM | Ferdinand G. Patinio, Philippine News Agency


JESSICA ZAFRA: The Extortionist's Xmas Alphabet
The online news portal of TV5

For social climbers, schemers, horrible politicians and contrabidas in general.

A is for Accessories: the weirder the better.
Unless they’re Harry Winston, in which case, please, bigger.

B is for Bags, be they satchel, It or Birkin.

We need something expensive to carry our sh*t in.

C is for Chauffeur. It sounds richer than “driver”.
Who shares certain qualities as Michael Fassbender.

D is for Dynasty: We shall rule this grateful nation.
That Anti bill they’re planning will not pass as legislation.

E is for Elections we would sell our souls to win.
When we hold public office we can do more “fund-raising”.

F is for Ferrari, there’s no need to be coy:
We do not wish to breathe the same air as the hoi polloi.

G is for Guards bearing high-powered weapons
So waiters will seat us even without reservations.

H is for Horses so we can play polo.
Also for Hacienda. Invitamos Nacho!

I is for the iPhone 5, the best way to ensure
That your badly-spelled messages we’ll continue to endure.

J is for Jejemon, Jologs and whatever.

After we’re elected, will they hear from us? Never.

K is for Kardashian, the standard in fame-whoring.
Dumb gets you on TV. Intelligence is boring.

L is for Love, which we fake in our profession.
Louis V and Louboutin provide our motivation.

M is for Madam, we’re addressed high and low
Do they ever suspect that the name is apropos?

N is for Nose job, that we may be mistaken
For socialites with ancestors sufficiently Iberian.

O is for Offshore accounts where we can stash our loot
Declare our assets properly?! We do not give a hoot.

P for Population which increases, unabated,

While the bishops squee for Twilight and the sparkle-y undead.

Q is Queen Elizabeth, Wills and Harry’s grand-mama,
Balang araw, Kamahalan, tatawagin kitang “Lola”.

R is for Roses flown in every morning
(‘Why not get them in Dangwa?’ You’ve got to be kidding.)

S is for Senator, which anyone can be.

Get your speeches on the Internet! It’s easy and it’s free.

T is for Tea from the hinterlands of the Caucasus.
We can’t tell the difference but—from the price—it’s fabulous!

U is for Ubiquitous, which is what we shall be
In magazines devoted to high society.

V is for Visas, all multiple entry
In case we have to flee a lynch mob expeditiously.

W is for Will, upon which you write our name.
Your wife and kids get nothing. Ain’t that a crying shame.

X is for eXtradition, a fate we must evade
If you should land in prison, our eternal love would fade.

Y is for Yacht to sail the Caribbean

So no one will notice that your prince is an amphibian.

Z is for Zirconium, infomercial variety,
Until we get an upgrade from Pac-qui-ao, Manny.